Gossip Girl

I tried. Really, I did. I tried to make it all the way through an episode of Gossip Girl, but my brain wouldn't allow it. It took my digestive system hostage and threatened to make me shit myself if I didn't make the stupid go away. Fearing for the safety of my favorite chair, I had no choice but to turn it off less than half way through.

Luckily, the eighteen minutes that I did manage to choke down were enough to conclude that anybody who watches this show is completely fucking retarded.

It's not just that the plot of the show is essentially "Whiny rich kids, whining", it's that the writers have somehow managed to create the most thoroughly unlikable characters since Twilight (a movie which requires no less mental infirmity to enjoy than eating paste). If I ever actually met someone who acted as obnoxiously self-important and detached from reality as the characters of Gossip Girl, I'd never stop smacking them. Never.

The acting is melodramatic to a level that would embarrass a Mexican soap opera. Lines are delivered in the too-quick Gilmore Girls style, which is not only removes any sense of realism, but also gives the impression that the entire cast really just wants to get the whole thing over with. Every actor on the show seems to be limited to an emotional range that spans from "douchey entitlement" to "whiny self pity". If you were seated next to somebody who acted like this on an airplane, you'd pray for a suicide hijacking.

If everything about the show is so abysmal, then why do nearly 3 million people watch it? As it turns out, most of those people are teenagers, and teenagers are inherently retarded. Gossip Girl won six fucking categories at the 2008 Teen Choice Awards. This only goes to show that when you let incompetent fuckwits make choices, incompetent fuckwits choose Gossip Girl.

The Hills

There's retarded, and then there is The Hills. I found out about this show by googling "worst TV show 2009" and observing dozens of mentions of this MTV shitfest. In greenlighting this series, I can only assume that the producers noticed that the "severe head trauma" demographic was woefully underrepresented on television and decided to fill the void.

The show is mercifully short (only 21 minutes, including previously-on, next-on, and theme song segments), yet it still took me three tries to get all the way through an episode. It feels much longer, as about two thirds of this time is spent panning back and forth between characters awkwardly not talking to each other.

The cast consists of approximately half a dozen interchangeable bimbos, plus a handful of the male equivilent with some of the douchiest facial hair this side of the Jersey shore. I imagine that there must be some sort of giant Play-doh dumb factory in California that churns out these identical talking mannequins, because even with a gun to my head I couldn't tell them apart. Luckily the producers (who probably can't tell them apart either) chose to flash each character's name on the screen every time they appear. They could have saved themselves the trouble and just had them all wear nametags, but whatever.

The plot is virtually non-existant. The entire show consists of 60-90 second segments of 2-4 blond placeholders talking awkwardly with each other about absolutely nothing. At the end of each "dialog", the cameras cut back and forth between the bobbleheads as they stare awkwardly around the room for about 20 seconds. Then there is a musical montage consisting of whatever song is popular that week among twentysomethings with down syndrome, cut with stock footage of Things That Happen In LA. Then there is a commercial break and the cycle begins anew.

You might argue that "It's a reality show, whatever happens happens", but you would be retarded. Whatever the cast claims (probably to avoid having to pay writers), every vapid syllable that falls out of the empty blond noggins on The Hills is scripted in advance. There is absolutely nothing "real" about it.

It is possible that there is some sort of story going on, and that you have to watch the series from the beginning to "get into it". However the 20 minutes I spent watching the one episode made me feel noticeably dumber, and I fear if I watch any more I will loose the ability to do long division. Whatever story may exist is burried so deeply in uncomfortable staring and self-absorbed anecdotes about shopping that you'd choke to death on banality long before you found it.

The fact that ~3 million people watch this show makes me weep for the future of humanity. It has somehow managed to last through five fucking seasons despite having the intellectual and entertainment capacity of a mayonnaise sandwich. The Hills has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. If you walk up to a group of women (and it will be women) discussing this program, turn around and walk away. I guarantee that not one of them has the sense that god gave corn. If ever there was a barometer for mental infirmity, it is The Hills.

Mission Statement

You don't have to be retarded to write or produce a really horrible TV show, but you do have to be retarded to watch one. If you are entertained by vapid "celebrities" becoming angry and confused by everyday situations or attention-starved simpletons who will do anything to be on TV, then your brain is not functioning properly and you should not be left unsupervised with sharp objects.

So, as a public service, I will be pointing out just which television shows are "retardation indicators". If you regularly find yourself watching and enjoying any show on this blog, then it may be time to buy a hockey helmet and get yourself a job as a greeter at Walmart. That, or maybe flip over to the History Channel every once in a while instead of rotting your feeble brain with another insipid "reality" show.